


Recalled Ghosts

by fantazicalteabags



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Magnus Burnsides & Lup Friendship, Magnus Burnsides Angst, Magnus Burnsides Needs a Hug, Magnus Burnsides-centric, Post-Episode: e067-069 Story and Song Parts 1-3, Self-Esteem Issues, i write too much magnus fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:22:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27533719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fantazicalteabags/pseuds/fantazicalteabags
Summary: (Friend: "what do you think would have happened if Magnus had gotten Johann to help him fight the Hunger? Would he have felt guilty?"Me: *already opening up my laptop*)In the months following the Hunger's defeat, Magnus is slowly unraveling. He doesn't want to move on but he doesn't want to think about his past, so he buries his grief in his work. Merle has a plan. Taako has a call to make. Magnus has a ghost to meet.
Relationships: Avi/Magnus Burnsides/Johann the Bard, Magnus Burnsides & Lup, Magnus Burnsides & Merle Highchurch & Taako
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	Recalled Ghosts

There was a knock on the door. Normally Magnus would have been thrilled by this- a visitor!- but not today. He had just sunk into his armchair, exhausted, and wanted the warm release of sleep. He closed his eyes. 

_Maybe if I stay very quiet, they’ll go away._

A shrill voice sang outside, “Magnus! Maggie! Magsy boy!” followed by another round of knocking on Magnus’s poor door. 

Groaning, Magnus forced himself to stand up. He rubbed his eyes and stretched, feeling his body ache. He had spent all day in Neverwinter, helping rebuild houses. The Hunger had left its mark on the land, on towns everywhere, and Magnus was good at fixing things. Putting together chairs and fixing roofs. Seeing people’s happy faces as their homes were rebuilt. It gave him a reason to get up in the mornings. 

“Magnesium! Marmalade! Magnolia!” The voice was louder, more insistent. The knocking hadn’t stopped, and it was starting to give Magnus a ringing headache.

“I’m coming, I’m coming!” He crossed the room and opened the door reluctantly. The cold night air wafted into his house and he frowned at the people standing in his doorway. “Stop breaking my house.”

Before him stood an impatient-looking elf and a grim-faced dwarf. The elf’s mouth twisted into a smirk when he saw Magnus. “Shit, dude, you look terrible.”

Suddenly self-concious, Magnus rocked backwards on his heels and gave a little mock bow. “As always, Taako, you are a comfort.”

“Well, I’m just stating facts.” Taako said with a shrug. He looked closer at Magnus. 

Magnus knew Taako was examining the dark shadows under his eyes, the bruises on the side of his face, the way his hair spiked up with grease and sweat. As energetic and self-centered as Taako could be, he was frightfully observant and insightful around his friends. 

Magnus tried to stand up straighter, uncomfortable with the attention. “You, uh, look as radiant as ever.”

Taako broke focus as soon as Magnus said this. Any conversation that involved Taako demanded undivided attention. The elf beamed at Magnus and fluffed his hair with a well-practiced pat. “I know, right? It’s all in the skincare, babe.” 

A grumbling voice broke in, coming from the dwarf that stood about half as tall as Taako. “He already knows he’s pretty. Don’t inflate his ego.”

“Of course not, Merle,” Magnus said dryly. “We wouldn’t want Taako to have an inflated ego.”

Taako scoffed at them, but his annoyance was broken by a sly smile. “So are you gonna offer us drinks, handyman, or are we gonna stand out in the cold?’

“Handyman?” said Magnus in disbelief. The level of disrespect! Before he could properly explain the finer points of carpentry, however, Taako brushed past him and hopped up onto the counter. 

“I’ll take a tea,” he said with an expectant look. 

Magnus gestured for Merle to step inside, and shut the door behind them. He gave a nod of acknowledgement and, with smoothness that suggested they had done this before, the three friends jumped into action. Magnus rummaged around his cabinets and emerged with a small pot. Without looking, he tossed it behind his back. He heard Merle catch it and mutter an incantation. Taako rubbed his hands together and conjured a ball of flickering flames, which he sent spiraling into the fireplace. By the time Magnus had turned around, tea leaves in hand, Merle was heating up the water. 

There was silence, for a moment, as they watched the water begin to heat. Merle took a seat on the floor in front of the fire and looked up at Magnus. “Long day?”

“Not any longer than usual,” Magnus said absent-mindedly. He was watching the tea carefully, making sure it wasn’t going to overboil and turn bitter.

Taako snorted. “Don’t lie to us, idiot.” He stood up and sat down beside Merle. He left a space between them. “We know you too well.”

“I wasn’t lying. Every day is the same length of time.” replied Magnus, a ghost of a smile flitting across his face.

“Now you’re just being a smart ass!” Merle laughed. He gave Magnus a gentle punch on his shoulder, his lined face breaking into a grin.

“Takes one to know one,” Magnus shot back, and set three mugs down by the pot. It was the first genuine moment of joy he had felt in… how long? He couldn’t tell. Merle and Taako had been so busy the last couple weeks- with their families or with publicity tours- Magnus hadn’t had time with them. 

It was exhilarating, and terrifying, to have his memory back. To remember their hundred year journey and the family they had formed. But sometimes, a small selfish part of Magnus missed the days where it was just the three of them adventuring together. It seemed so simple then- if secret moonbases and well-hidden deception could be called simple. There was a rhythm to it that Magnus liked: go on a quest, fight a villain, retrieve the relic, bring it to The Director.

_To Lucretia,_ Magnus corrected himself. Not The Director. He felt a wave of nausea and guilt start to sweep him, and tried to push it away. He couldn’t afford any more cracks in his armor.

Carefully, Magnus started pouring the tea into mugs. He still hadn’t answered the question, not really. How had his day been? Same as usual, filled with work. “It… um.. Yeah. It was a long day.”

“How long did you work?” Taako asked casually, as he accepted his warm mug of tea. Magnus could tell his friend wasn’t making small talk. Taako’s index and middle fingers were tapping against his leg, something he only did when he was worried.

Magnus gave a small, non-commital shrug and handed Merle his tea. “Until they forced me home.”

Merle took the mug with a gruff “which means?”

“Fourteen hours,” admitted Magnus. He sat down on the floor between Taako and Merle, and for a moment he could almost imagine they were on an adventure. Camping in the Felicity Wilds or huddled in the back of a train.

“Maggie, darling, you have to stop,” Taako chided with shake of his head. It seemed he was trying to act frivolous and upbeat, but just came off as concerned. Magnus felt a twinge of guilt. He didn’t want his friends to worry, this was the opposite of what tonight was supposed to be.

Not knowing how to respond, Magnus fell back on his trusty conversation weapon. Playing dumb. He took a small sip of tea and grimaced, it was still too hot. “Stop what?”

“You know what,” Merle said quietly, tracing the outline of his mug’s rim.

This was wrong, all wrong, they were worried about Magnus. They cared about Magnus. And that was exactly the wrong thing to do, that’s how people got hurt. Magnus didn’t look up, eyes fixed on his cup. “Haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t do this- don’t pretend like we’re stupid,” Taako said angrily. It seemed the aloof persona he had been trying so hard to maintain had finally broken. “We know you’re overworking yourself on purpose.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Magnus. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Not the right words, not the right tone, not the right thing. 

“Sweet fantasy Christ, you are stubborn. When was the last time you had a day off?” Taako set down his mug and waved his hands in exasperation.

Magnus opened his mouth to answer, surely it had been last weekend? No, he had spent it helping the folks in Refuge. The weekend before that? Maybe- no, not then either.

Taako rubbed his temples, looking torn between anger and concern. “Exactly our point. You can’t keep doing this.”

“Is that a threat or a promise?” Magnus tried to joke, but it came out as a trembled hush. He tried to hide it with another scalding sip of tea. He’d rather have a burnt tongue than an honest conversation.

“It’s a fact,” said Merle with a gentle, if somewhat forced, smile. He was trying hard to stay calm, Magnus could tell, because Taako and Magnus were losing it. “You barely had time to adjust to your regenerated body before having to fight a war. The war is over, pal. We won! And yet you act like every day is still a battle.”

“Maybe it feels that way.” Magnus muttered before he could stop himself. His heart plummeted as soon as he had said it. He couldn’t be honest about how he felt, not yet. One day when he was better, he could talk about it. One day when it wouldn’t cause worry or grief, but be brushed aside in pleasant conversation.

Taako peered at him curiously, painted nails still tapping against his leg. “What was that?”

“I said- never mind,” Magnus said automatically. 

_Stay still, stay silent, stay strong. You have to protect your friends from yourself, all your messy feelings and thoughts. They aren’t yours to give away._

Merle sighed and set his mug down. He moved a little closer to Magnus, glasses flashing. “Look, Magnus… we can’t help you if you don’t let us.”

“I don’t want your help.” came the instant reply, the instinct Magnus had trained into himself. He gave help, he didn’t receive it. Didn’t need it. Didn't deserve it.

“Why not?” Taako shot back, and crossed his arms. “I mean, not to toot our own horn or anything- but we’re pretty damn good. Heroes of all the worlds, and whatnot, haven’t you heard?”

“Please, just… talk to us?” Merle asked. His face was set with such a fragile light that Magnus, against his better judgement, caved.

“It’s… I can’t rest. I don’t know what to do with myself,” Magnus began in a low voice. Scared of what he was feeling, and even more scared of admitting it. “Every time I close my eyes, I see all the people who’ve died. From the Relics War, from Phandalin, from the Hunger, from-” His hand reached up to touch the ring hanging from a chain around his neck. “-From everywhere we’ve been.”

Taak’s brow wrinkled, as if Magnus had confirmed something he already knew. “It’s okay. It’s going to be o-”

Magnus glared at the elf. “It is _not_ going to be okay. I failed them, Taako, and nothing you guys say or do can change that. A-and now what? I’m supposed to just go about my day? Live my life like a normal person?” Magnus’s fists clenched as he hung his head, face burning. “I live to protect others and now I can’t even do that.”

“You know that’s not true,” Merle interjected. “You’re the best protector I’ve ever met. You’re brave, and strong, and funny. You make others feel safe. You always rush in. Even when it’s a stupid thing to do.”

“There’s nowhere to rush into now,” Magnus spread his hands out. The room they were sitting in was cozy and warm. A workbench sat in the corner, littered with scraps of wood and sharp tools. An overstuffed armchair sat nearby, and the rug underneath them was soft and clean. Magnus had never lived anywhere so peaceful. “There- there isn’t some bad guy to fight or a dangerous mission to undertake. Whatever my purpose in life was, it’s gone now.”

Beside Magnus, Taako shifted. He hugged his knees to his chest and looked at Magnus with raised eyebrows. “So find a new one. You think this is some unique problem? You think you’re the only one with regrets?”

“Taako, maybe we shouldn’t-” Merle hesitantly began, but Taako cut him off with an angry wave of his hand.

“No, he needs to know. Magnus, we all know how you’re feeling. Maybe not to the same extent. But we all are responsible for the Relic Wars, for Phandalin, for The Hunger. You think you don’t have a purpose? _Tough shit._ None of us do. When I was all alone and thought I had singlehandedly poisoned an entire town I didn’t sit on my ass and wish things were different. I got up, I worked, and I ran. I kept moving. And I didn’t look back.”

Magnus had never seen Taako have an outburst like this before, never seen him be so open about his past and his feelings. Slightly irritated, Magnus tried to speak. “Yeah, but-”

Taako wasn’t done. He was staring into the fire, unblinking, as he spoke with quiet fury. “I’m trying to figure out a relationship with the Grim Reaper. I forgot my sister existed until recently. I’m fighting with Lucretia. Magnus, no one is going to care about your problems as much as you do. So _get up_ and _get it together._ You can’t keep overworking yourself.”

Magnus sat, stunned, by Taako’s words. He didn’t know whether to be offended or apologetic, but his face must have registered hurt. Taako looked over and softened, putting a tentative hand on Magnus’s shoulder. In a gentler voice, he added “I know… I know how tempting it can be to just keep pushing yourself. But it won’t change anything, and it won’t fix anything. This is a shitty situation, there is no quick action that can save you. You just have to… take your time.”

Tears were starting to make Magnus’s vision go blurry, and he dropped his gaze. Feeling the mug shake in his trembling hands. “I thought- I think- maybe if I just keep repairing things. Maybe it’ll help, y’know? Maybe… maybe they’ll forgive me.”

Neither Merle nor Taako had to ask who Magnus was referring to. Both of them knew what it was like to wake up from nightmares, to try and avoid thinking of the blood on their hands. Both of them were haunted by battlefields of corpses, just like Magnus.

It was Merle who finally broke the pause, with a small cough. Magnus heard him sniff and say “Oh, Magnus. I don’t think anyone holds a grudge against you.”

“Why not?” Magnus asked. Not as an anguished question, but rather stating a fact. Something that couldn’t be changed or molded into a nice picture. Something unyielding and solid. “They should hold a grudge. I deserve it.”

“You-we- were just trying our best,” murmured Taako. He had drawn his hand away from Magnus, and seemed to be folding in on himself. Magnus recognized the glassy look now seeping into his friend’s eyes. It was the look of someone drowning in memories.

“It wasn’t enough, though. I wasn’t enough,” said Magnus, with a harsh laugh. It was too loud, too sudden, too forced for the quiet air. His words hung heavy for a moment before being whispered away. “Maybe- maybe if I could just see them. Apologize to them- ask for forgiveness.”

Magnus risked a glance up, peeking at his friends, and saw Taako’s face fall. Taako and Merle shared a look, one that told Magnus exactly how much his friends had been talking about him.

Taako bit his lip, winding a piece of hair around his finger as he thought aloud. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I mean- I really don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“We have to let him try,” Merle broke in. He looked ancient, in that moment, face hung with sadness. As if everything was going according to some terrible plan that he knew but couldn’t change.

“Disappointed but not surprised,” Taako echoed glumly. 

Magnus looked at his tired, defeated friends and felt a spark of panic. “Will you help me? Please, I- I need this. I need to see their faces.”

Taako took a deep breath and stalled for time. He finished drinking his tea and set the mug down. He smoothed his robes and straightened his hat. Eventually, he looked at Magnus with grim determination. “Alright. Pick one person. You’d never be allowed to see everyone. But I think you could see one person if we call in a favor or two.”

Magnus broke into a grin. “I.... okay. Johann.”

A smile tugged the corner of Taako’s mouth. “Johann?”

“Yeah.” 

“Are you sure?” asked Merle, clearly taken aback. “You could see-”

Without thinking, Magnus’s hands found each other and began twisting the golden ring shining on his left hand. “No, I don’t want to see her. Not yet, anyways, there’s too much I have to do before I can face her. I want to be able to do it right. But Johann... I watched him die. He has to be the person I ask forgiveness from. I pick Johann.”

Taako clapped his hands together with a flicker of his old energy. He stood, careful to rearrange his robes and not wrinkle anything. Taako smiled and threw his hand up in the air. “What the hell, it’s your Death Party. Buckle up, buttercups, we have a call to make.”


End file.
